When Expectations Go Up In Smoke
My wife and I experienced a sudden and dramatic change in our lives. One moment we were living in our home, preparing for the arrival of our daughter into the world, the next moment we were out on the front lawn watching smoke come out the front door.
For myself, I tend to deal with major events like this in a very matter-of-fact way at the moment. It's not until after the event that the emotions hit. The fire in our home was no exception. I was able to interact with emergency personnel and walk through the house to get the critical things the first night while being able to maintain level-headedness. It wasn't until we arrived at my parent's house to spend the night that the emotions came pouring out in tears.
The emotion I felt was sadness at the loss of our cat and a large portion of our possessions, but there was also a kind of fear. Not the kind of fear that comes about when you are being chased by a dangerous animal or something like that. It's a fear that manifests itself when things that you trust are stable, suddenly are proven to be movable. It's a fear that appears when life takes an unexpected turn, and all that is in front of you is a black abyss of Unknown.
Everything Is Hevel
Our church ironically is going through a sermon series on the book of Ecclesiastes. The book is starting to become special to me because of its objective look at the reality of life, and critical observations about the value of the things we do.
We as people tend to believe that we have some say in the outcome of our lives. We think that we have some ability to "control our destiny." The reality is, while we may be able to influence our lives by making wise decisions, those choices do not influence the result of our lives in any absolutely predictable way.
Life is not a series of cause-and-effect relationships.
The Hebrew word that is repeated over and over again within the book of Ecclesiastes is the word "Hevel." This is often translated as meaningless in our English translations of the Bible, however, its meaning can also be described as vapor or smoke.
Ecclesiastes says that our life is like smoke. It is here one minute and gone the next. We think life looks one way and that it is stable, and then the wind blows and it changes form. It is pointless to seek to find any value or meaning in the shape of the smoke. Try to grab it and you will quickly see it rushes through your fingers before disappearing like it was never there.
In our case, we had a house, a room almost ready for our baby, and expectations of what the next few months were going to look like.
In the next moment - it was all literally engulfed in smoke.
The Futility of Expectations
In Ecclesiastes, it says:
Here is a misfortune on earth that I have seen: Wealth hoarded by its owner to his own misery. Then that wealth was lost through bad luck; although he fathered a son, he has nothing left to give him. Just as he came forth from his mother's womb, naked will he return as he came, and he will take nothing in his hand that he may carry away from his toil. This is another misfortune: Just as he came, so will he go. What did he gain from toiling for the wind? - Ecclesiastes 5:13-16 (NET)
Ecclesiastes 2:11 also says:
Yet when I reflected on everything I had accomplished and on all the effort that I had expended to accomplish it, I concluded: “All these achievements and possessions are ultimately profitless – like chasing the wind! There is nothing gained from them on earth.”
One of the primary things that I've learned through this experience is that expectations are futile. The more I expect from life and the people around me, the more painful the fall will be when reality smacks me in the face. By minimizing the number of things that I expect out of life, I am able to simply enjoy and experience life as it comes and goes.
I have concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves as long as they live, and also that everyone should eat and drink, and find enjoyment in all his toil, for these things are a gift from God. - Ecclesiasites 3:12-13 (NET)
While I wouldn't wish a fire on anyone, and I wouldn't be quick to want to go through it again, there is a kind of excitement and anticipation about what our future will hold.
Anticipation for the Future
Once we were able to work through the emotion and pain of loss, my wife and I were able to begin to focus on the present and what is ahead. We have two choices of how to think about the future:
One is to be filled with fear because we don't have control, and we don't know what is going to happen. The random nature of life has been manifested to us and it makes it difficult to look at things that are unknown.
The second option is to be filled with excitement and anticipation at the opportunities that we have. The problem with stability is that sometimes it makes you feel trapped. While it is safe, it can also be suffocating. There is certainly a need for some level of stability in life. Our brains need it in order to function properly. But too much over-protects you from experiencing, learning, and growing.
We both want to take the second option because it will result in being able to better enjoy life, not only for us but also for our little one coming soon!
Blessings
One of the blessings coming out of this experience is that my wife and I see this as an opportunity to downsize.
This situation is an opportunity for us to let go of things that we no longer need and rebuild our home with purpose and intentionality. We only want to keep what we believe will be truly enjoyable, and helpful for our life, rather than just accumulating stuff to fill our house. Even better, instead of having to do it by ourselves, the restoration company has a team of people doing it for us!
There is also the opportunity to break bad habits and learn new habits.
Nothing breaks bad habits better than being thrown into a new environment.
In James Clear's book Atomic Habits, he talks about the importance of your environment for both building good habits and breaking old ones.
Habits are all about associations. These associations determine whether we predict a habit to be worth repeating or not...your brain is continually absorbing information and noticing cues in the environment. Every time you perceive a cue, your brain runs a simulation and makes a prediction about what to do in the next moment.
Habits are built through your environment. Your brain gets a cue from the environment and associates it with an action, if you do the action, then your brain gets a reward. The reward then motivates future action. This is the foundation of how both good and bad habits are formed. When you take yourself out of your environment, it acts as a kind of reset for your brain and the habits that you practice.
Our brains are constantly working to make predictions about the world around us. This is part of the reason why it can be so traumatic to be faced with the unpredictability of life. However, if you are able to keep your expectations low, then your mind can be content in its fallibility, and you be able to enjoy each moment of life fully as it comes. You can focus on the present rather than being distracted by the past and the future.
It is better to be content with what the eyes can see than for one’s heart always to crave more. This continual longing is futile – like chasing the wind. - Ecclesiastes 6:9
I'm thankful for God's protection of my little family and the many friends and family members that have been overwhelmingly generous to us. We are so thankful!
I hope to continue writing over the course of the next weeks and months, but as I said above, it will take rebuilding of habits to do so. I don't know what the next months will look like, but I'm choosing to frame it in a positive light and look at it with excitement rather than dread. My wife and I have a unique opportunity right now to shape our lives for the better. I don't want to waste that dwelling on what has already happened in the past, nor worrying about trying to control the future. It is good to be able to rest in the sovereignty of God, and trust in his goodness.
Be Humble. Stay Curious.
-Josh